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innacupatea
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Name: Nikolaevna
Gender: Female
Interests: God, Truth, Life
Expertise: fear, doubt, hopelessness, <- and fighting these.
Occupation: Singer/Music Editor/Producer(a
Industry: Music
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
7/24/2004
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| "Why be surrounded by multitudes if the multitudes were not really desiring to learn from, and to follow Him?
Follow the Christ into the quiet places of prayer" - God Calling
Not quite sure what is going on with me lately.
i'm not myself
i'm in a better state i think...
but not the same and that worries me a little.
i don't care to be heard
and i don't care to be seen
i'm alright with being invisible for a while.
i feel like i untied myself from something that was holding me back.
Maybe from the pressure of earning those never quite satisfying "achievements" of
being noticed or being important.
i<-am not that important and living this life like i am is not important.
Life gains importance when you have invested your self in learning God,
when you have stepped aside from the "mirror",
when you give up obsessing over yourself and your ego.
Our days are so short...we are so fragile and sadly every one of us... important or not will die.
(We all will have to bury someone we love & will be buried by someone who loves us)
I hope to invest myself in God more versus my ego and how it fits into the majority.
inw
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| "...because i want to hear Your voice say, "well done, my good and faithful servant"
when i meet You face to face, i want to make sure that I
carefully listen to Your voice now."
Listening to His voice really means to live out the Bible day to day.
When it says "ask and you shall receive" - you expect to receive
and hold your part of the deal - which would mean give God the space
to give you what you asked for instead of arranging things your self
by your own "good judgment".
It's hard. But i'm doing it... I want to do that!
Sticking to the Truth means you'll have to reject your own logic at times,
your own deepest desires and reject all the "signs"
(even if they scream at you from all directions).
If they don't match up to the Truth - the Bible
than they are a waste and a way to destruction.
This is a raw and sober life that at times separates even your body and soul.
Separating
Peeling at the core
My body and my soul
At war
i.w. | | |
| I heard from a friend of mine recently who i haven't heard from in a while.
He has been struggling with a devastating addiction.
In his email he said that he was
"still battling, been on the losing side most of the time though."
As i replied to him i ended up feeling encouraged my self by what i wrote.
Sometimes we need to remind our selves of these things:
"...I'm battling (as well).. my self - selfishness & pride.
They sound like no big deal but those are the things that hold me back from
everything in life that means everything to me.
I've been battling my self for 30 years now...ok ok...maybe not 30 cause i was a baby
when i was ...a baby...but shortly after my 12th birthday i started to fight.
Life is i guess about fighting a battle. Different battles for different
people - Pornography, Stealing, Alcoholism, Manipulation, Same sex
attraction, Pride, Addictions...
We are all equals.
Some of our sins are more visible on the surface.
But as long as you're fighting it....you know...
Friends of mine have a son who is "gay".
The parents and the boy don't want to fight anymore i guess
...they decided to settle for the "he is born that way" excuse
and just slide through life - An easier option.
I know! how judgmental of me!
...i only say that because i my self know that fighting for goodness is hard as hell
and you want to give up and sometimes even rebel and go join the apposing side
all together cause at times it seems like you are the only soldier on the battle field
and there's a huge army against you
...and where is your God?
He's watching...what you're going to do with your "free will".
There's tremendous growth that happens when people are faced with challenging
things. And i think... "i" think...God gives us room to really develop our
"free will" in all kinds of circumstance in life not just the easy areas.
The more training the better soldier.
Keep fighting...even if you feel like you are loosing most of the fights.
As long as you are fighting in the smallest way...you are still FIGHTING.
And know that fighting a "good war" - against the self is going to pay off!
...even if its just in Heaven
...but Heaven is really what matters anyway
...and life will pass by faster then eternity ever will.
In Heaven we'll be able to really see how our efforts payed off.
So don't feel like God doesn't accept you because you "keep screwing up"
God looks at your effort to keep fighting not the body count.
Even Paul the "saint" said this him self:
Philippians 3:13-14
13" No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it,
but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past
and looking forward to what lies ahead,
14 I press on to reach the end of the race and receive
the heavenly prize for which God,
through Christ Jesus, is calling us."
The plan is to keep at it!
You know God is close to us and even closer when we feel like we are
sinners or week and unable.
Remember that parable of the two men praying in the temple:
Luke 18:10-14
13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance and dared not
even lift his eyes to heaven as he prayed.
Instead, he beat his chest in sorrow, saying,
‘O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner.’
14 I tell you, this sinner, not the Pharisee,
returned home justified before God.
For those who exalt themselves will be humbled,
and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”
Keep fighting!
I'm saying this to you because i'm saying that to my self as well.
I think every true God seeker has a sin they have to battle while on Earth.
This is what humbles us and what makes us more dependable on God
verses our own success and pride.
God came to save the helpless and the week. We are on the right track. hah!
You have to remind your self of the truth in the Bible.
Heaven is our goal.
I hope when i write all this that you don't feel i'm being preachy.
I guess it helps me to refocus my self when i see my thoughts in writing..."
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"He who knows others is wise.
He who knows himself is enlightened."
Lily Shewan - Visionary Artist
see more of her work ~> http://tinyurl.com/yljetum * * * Being interested in life, in self, and in others
is a very good trait to practice.
You can't go wrong in it! It's a time wisely invested!
However i don't think it's possible to really learn the trait
without God being in the center of the entire pursuit
or the reason behind the pursuit.
It is natural for us to want to look at the physical
and the outer. We all do it daily.
But it's good to sometimes practice to
shut that part of ourselves off
and give our mind and heart way to dominate.
Many times we don't give people a chance
simply because their outer appearance doesn't fancy us
or the first impression wasn't "lovely"
or we just don't like "their type".
Understandable...because that's our human nature.
But as Christians God persuades us to have control
over our nature. Because if we let it dominate
in our life we will quickly find ourselves
headed in a downward direction.
...I have always been a people watcher.
Even when i was a teeny girl my passion was to study people.
Sadly that passion came out of the daily fear i lived in.
The unpredictable behavior of the people closest to me
made me desperate for understanding.
I think the understanding part was driven by the
desire to love them in the midst of the unpredictability
and the chaos.
Nevertheless it has served a good purpose in my life!
God was able to turn the weed into a fruit-bearing tree!
...just random thoughts.
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| "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.
It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.
We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."
~Albert Schweitzer
Truly it is hard to find a friend who would notice
when you are struggling to soar like you used to. It's hard to find that person, who truly gets you,
who knows how to help you and is willing to do so. I pray that i will always have enough strength,
wisdom and care to pay attention to others
and to be that rekindling fire for someone else.
I pray that when i'm drained there would
always be a friend available
who'd do the same for me.
I found a few friends like that recently.
i pray i get to keep them. | | |
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